


What If I Was Nothing

by Fadedmon2



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst and Feels, Comfort/Angst, Drug Addiction, Drug Withdrawal, F/M, Feels, Poor Cullen, Seriously I made myself cry with this, oh so many feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-06-06 15:29:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6759580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fadedmon2/pseuds/Fadedmon2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellana has to face that she can't fix everything. Solas offers her some comfort. Cullen is dealing with his own fears. In the end she finds all she can do, is just be.</p>
<p>I was listening to "What If I Was Nothing" by All That Remains and this popped into my head. So many feels with that song. Also this is my first fic. I have wrote tons, but this is going to be my testing out the waters. So please comments, good and bad are appreciated. Thanks. Hope you enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What If I Was Nothing

I know you’re scared and thinking I might go  
But I’m not leaving. No I’m not leaving.  
And if you’re thinking I might  
Might be led astray  
Just remember this one question  
What if I was nothing? What if this is true?  
What if I was nothing? Nothing without you?  
So what if I was angry? What did you think I’d do?  
I told you that I love you. I’m nothing without you.

“What If I Was Nothing” - All That Remains

 

“I DON’T WANT YOUR HELP!!!” he screamed  
“Cullen please don’t go.” she begged grasping for his hand  
“I’m tired of fighting Ellana.” Cullen dropped his head pulling his arm from her reach  
“Don’t leave like this please.” she sobbed hoping the stubborn ex Templar would stop  
“Ellana please just leave this alone...leave me alone okay...this is difficult for me...I have to think.” he opened the door and walked out onto the Battlements. She dropped her hands to her sides realizing just how wrong about him she had been. She had believed him strong enough to battle his addiction without her help. That he was made of stone and that nothing could bring the mighty Lion to his knees. That is what had led to her now standing alone in his office, hating herself for trying to fix something she clearly had no real concept of. She had noticed he was weaker the past few weeks and even the comfort of her embrace did not ease his suffering. He had lost interest in so many things that he once enjoyed. The games of chess they use to spend hours trying to best eachother at. The lazy walks on the Battlements. The stolen kisses in his office. Nothing made him smile anymore. He shook more noticably now, unable to even hide it from the recruits. The Mighty Lion of Fereldon had been brought to his quaking knees by a blasted tiny blue bottle. Her mind began to race. She knew he kept a vial hidden. Had he taken it? Had he given in and succumbed to the beast raging within? She wanted to ransack his office. She wanted to tear into his private things and see that the vial was still intact. She wanted to scream and to shake him and to kiss him and to make this pain he suffered go away. Instead she walked out of his office, closing the door softly behind her. Hanging her head and sobbing she walked back to the rotunda. To anyone who would listen to her. She needed a shoulder to cry on, and her not so fearless Commander was out of the question.

Ellana entered the rotunda waving off Solas’ cheerful greeting. She had never felt so useless in her life.  
“Inquisitor?” Solas questioned “Does something trouble you?”  
“Oh Solas” she threw her arms around the mage startling him “The whole blasted world is coming to an end and I have to fight an insane Magister who believes himself a God. All of Thedas wants me to fix their problems” she looked up into his eyes, hers filled with tears “And none it matters, because I can’t help the one person who needs help...really needs help!” she buried her face in his shoulder “I can’t help Cullen. No matter how much I want to. I just can’t. He won’t let me.” a sorrowful sob wracked her body and Solas wrapped his arm around her to steady her. “Shhh lethallan. Cullen is stronger than you think. He will endure. He will beat this. He just needs your love and support. Be his crutch to lean on when his pride falls and leaves him bare. Just be there for him Inquisitor.” she sobbed into her friend’s shoulder until she had no more tears to shed. She felt exhausted and drained, but she thanked Solas for letting her have a moment of weakness and headed back to Cullen’s office. She knocked lightly on the door, and panicked when she heard glass smashing as a loud thud. She burst in the door to his office in shambles, with broken bottles and papers strewn everywhere. In the middle of the mess her Cullen was on his knees his head hung and his hands bloody and lifeless on his knees, except for the small blue vial. Her blood ran cold and she felt fear creeping up her spine. She ran to his side, falling to her knees and wrapping her arms around him. She hugged him as tight as she could, until her arms felt like they may fall off. “I love you Cullen.” she whispered into his neck as tears flowed out “Please don’t ever doubt I love you. I will be here, I will always be here. I promise my love. I won’t ever give up on you.” He lunged at her almost knocking her over, wrapping his arms around her and holding her so tight, like it would be their last embrace. “I...I thought I pushed you away Ellana.” she heard his voice crack then she felt his body shaking, then she heard the vial fall out of his hand to the floor. Soon she was rocking him petting his golden locks and reassuring him that he could never push her away.  
“I know you are struggling love, but I will always be here to help you stand up when you can’t do it alone.” she kissed his tear stained cheek  
“Ellana, I am nothing without you. You know that right?”  
“I was so afraid Cullen...so afraid you would let this beat you...I almost looked for it and destroyed it.” he looked up at her “I couldn’t love. I couldn’t take this victory from you. One day we will destroy that bottle. One day we will do it together. Right now I just want to hold you. I will be your strength when you have none. I will be your voice, when yours is trembling. I will be your hands when the tremors rend yours useless. I will be your crutch to lean on. And when you can finally stand, I will be at your side.”  
“I love you so much Ellana.”  
“I love you too Cullen.”  
They sat like that for hours. And when his tremors and the cold sweats returned, she held him. When he cried out for his fallen brethren in the Circle, she smoothed his hair and kissed his face until he lay still. His heartbeat normal. His breaths slow and calm. She held her Commander because that was all she could do. That alone, was enough.


End file.
